School Shootings: What to Know and What to Do.
As I write this, I feel the weight of the conversation heavy on my heart. No one ever hopes to be a victim of a school shooting. It’s worth noting that the victims are entire families and generations, not just one individual life in isolation. That would be bad enough. There are no words strong enough to uplift the families affected by school shootings, only actions can do that. In the spirit of action, I wondered what I could do—what I could offer—to help my community cope with the tragedy and face the fears of yet another school shooting. Many of us feel helpless after such a devastation because it is traumatic, sudden, world-shattering, and there are a few people who work with the law regarding guns, schools, and the safety of children. Changing the law overnight seems like an impossibility. I will leave that for the law-makers for now. I am most concerned with how to reach out to those hurting among us who need to process, to understand, and to prevent school shootings on the most local level—our homes and our communities.
What the hell happened? When there is a school shooting, the clarity of the problem seems to be lost in the chaos of the aftermath. There are some who believe strongly about what is to blame and it usually boils down to people either blaming guns or blaming mental illness. I argue that maybe it’s somewhere in the middle. By that I mean that someone does not necessarily fit the criteria to be diagnosed with a mental illness simply because they do destructive, odd, horrendous, and/or appalling things. What we know about human nature, though, begins to paint a clearer picture of what might have happened to these young men to influence them to become so caustic. Guns can be used to feed families through hunting, they can create a sense of empowerment in people who go shooting for fun, and they can be used for protection, and they can clearly be deadly when in the hands of those who inflict terror and chaos into the world. This article is about the emotional needs and longings of those who have been so destructive—and underneath it all, it’s about the needs of us all.
Before all else, we are social creatures. Humans grow within the mother’s uterus which creates our first interactions and bond with another human being. From that point, humans are born into a social situation—a family. No matter how functional or dysfunctional that family may be, it is a family system. The family system begins to frame how we see ourselves and others and how we move through the world. Families do not change our needs as social creatures, but influence how we strive to get those needs met. Although this is a generalization, families who are responsive to the needs of each other, often develop healthy relationships. Families who are not responsive to the needs of the other, often develop unhealthy habits and relationships.
We all strive to feel a sense of belonging. As an infant grows and develops into a child, they begin to connect with others by making eye contact, reaching out, responding to others in laughs, cries, or smiles. The infant begins to look for belonging with their caregivers and family. They want to know where they fit in with the family. Infants need to feel a sense of belonging. This need does not diminish as they grow, but strengthens. Think of the 8-year old who wants to learn to ride his bike because all of his friends do and he doesn’t want to be left behind. Think of the 13-year old who is awkward, self-conscious, and wants to fit in with the crowd they relate to the most. Your children and teens act like their peers, dress similarly, have similar interests and hobbies, and likely listen to similar music. People usually find their sense of belonging within their families and peer groups. Unfortunately, this does not necessarily mean that they find belonging in healthy ways, though. This is part of the problem for school shooters. They are not people who typically meet this need by being involved in sports teams, academic clubs, church youth groups or choir, or work. They seem to be people who are suffering in isolation. They may reject help and reject attempts to reach out to them, but they are clearly suffering. It’s one thing to be an introvert with a few close friends and quite another to have no friends and be a “loner.” The loner tries to seek their place in the world by filling the role of being an odd person, “the weird one,” doing things for shock value, etc. There is an old adage that you’re likely already familiar with: Even negative attention is attention. That means that being a rule-breaker or being in trouble still provides some attention, but it is not the type of attention that anyone really desires. The loner is not a mentally healthy person who prefers one-on-one conversations. They are distinctly not mentally healthy and balanced. Mentally healthy people do not hurt others on purpose or without concern. This brings me to my next point of what the difference is between being mentally healthy versus mentally ill.
Mental Health vs. Mental Illness. As a professional counselor, this topic is near and dear to my heart. I try not to become too zealous as I express the difference here, but know that there is a difference. In fact, the biggest difference is not that they are opposites, but that they share a unique relationship. People who have a mental illness may be mentally healthy. For example, someone may have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and are mentally healthy as they confront their struggles and seek help to create balance and awareness. People are created to feel, to think, to engage, to be social, to learn, and to try new things. There is not just one way to be mentally healthy. There is not just one way to be mentally ill. Just like medical professionals, mental health professionals follow a set of guidelines in order to diagnose a client or patient with an illness. This is such an intimate process that mental health professionals are advised to never diagnose a client or patient with a mental illness whom you have not personally met and assessed. Additionally, because there is a spectrum, there exist many ways for people to be mentally unhealthy without fitting the criteria for a mental illness. Saying that school shooters have mental illnesses may be a scapegoat for other issues and is not fair to those who have struggles with mental health or mental illness. Not all people with mental illnesses are violent, lack empathy, lack compassion, and lack respect for human dignity and life as school shooters do. And, to humor those who may believe that mental illness is to blame, there is no mental illness at this time whose criteria all terrorists or school shooters fit. For these reasons, it is difficult for me to say that any school shooter must have a mentally illness. It is possible, but it is not a given. At the very least, school shooters are discouraged individuals who are not engaging with others in healthy ways that meet their needs.
So What? Because I have not met with anyone who has been a school shooter, I cannot diagnose their intimate mental health needs. However, I can say that because of the contrast to the natural longing for human intimacy, connection, and belonging, school shooters have not developed healthy coping skills to deal with life, they have not found healthy ways to obtain the attention they truly desire, and they do not have value and respect for innocent human lives. They likely generalize the blame of their suffering to all others whom they perceive may have slighted them by not being friendly with them, making fun of them, or any number of other things—both real or imagined. These are people who blame others for their problems, seek revenge, and do not take personal responsibility for their actions.
Now What? Now that there is a bit of a clearer picture into some issues that school shooters may have, you may be asking yourself what can be done about it. Firstly, we want to keep our children safe. Some laws will likely have to change, the presence of security will have to increase, and something substantial must be done when people report warning signs to authorities. Secondly, we want to make sure our children do not become so indiscriminately angry, blaming, and lack responsibility for themselves that they become school shooters. As a parent or adult, you can do a lot to reach out and connect with the children and teens in your life. Here are some suggestions:
Be Present for Them. When children and teens talk, you should listen. They are working to express their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. These are not trivial. Put your work down. Put your phone down. Their thoughts, feelings, and ideas are important and they matter. If you are unsure of how they think, who they are, what they are up to in life, then you will not be aware when they are struggling in big ways. They will often communicate with you through play. Play with them.
Build a Trusting Relationship with Them. Be as true to your word as possible. Follow through with consequences—both the positive and the negative! When plans change, let your children know as soon as you’re able to so that life is less chaotic and more structured. Trust your children.
Teach Children and Teens to be Responsible for Themselves. This does not mean that they have to financial support themselves. Don’t be silly. What I mean by this is that when they make choices, teach them to take ownership of their successes and their mistakes. Teach them to apologize when they are wrong or have hurt someone. This will empower them to build stronger connections with others and to increase their sense of belonging and personal power.
Involve Them in Extracurricular Activities that They Enjoy. Not everyone is an athlete. Aside from a plethora of sporting activities to choose from (soccer, football, basketball, gymnastics, dance, tennis, wrestling, track, cheer, rowing, etc.), there are always more academic, social, or skills-related activities to get involved in. For example, there are book clubs, religious youth groups or prayer meetings, math team, honor society, volunteer opportunities such as in a nursing home or animal shelter, work, and many other ways to get involved in other groups to increase your child’s sense of belonging. Your child may not like certain groups even if they are good at them. Be patient and do your best to allow them to try different sports, clubs, or teams, to help them find a sense of belonging and pride.
Support Them and Build Them Up. Just as you likely expect the best version of your child, bring them the best version of yourself. Encourage them when they are down and celebrate with them when they are up. Sometimes just being available to a child or teen is life-changing. Knowing you are there and that you believe in them is key. Believing in them is not enough—you need to communicate that belief to them. Pour love, acceptance, guidance, and support into their lives in ways that they feel and know it to be true.
Notice Changes. When there are changes in appetite, weight, sleep problems, sudden changes in mood, isolation, and increased anger, something is going on with your child. Notice the changes and seek professional help as soon as possible. Do not brush off your concerns or wait to get them help.
Get Help. Mental health professionals, like professional counselors, are trained to help people with an array of issues and difficulties. No one has to be diagnosed with a mental illness in order to receive counseling services that can be life-changing in deeply positive ways. Get a mental health professional involved to help guide you, your child, and your family if you notice your child struggling to fit in, to take responsibility for themselves, to empathize with others, and to make and keep friends. Sometimes the seemingly biggest problems have the simplest of solutions.
We are all born with a desire to belong, to be accepted, and to know love. When those needs go unmet, it stirs a pain deep inside that becomes more and more difficult to squelch. If you, your child, teen, or family is hurting or in emotional pain, seek professional help. Do not go another day living in hurt, chaos, or confusion when healing, joy, and clarity belong to you. Call Clear Life Counseling & Consulting in Frisco, TX for your free consultation with Dr. Kyrstin Jimenez.